Goodbye Chester

I usually don’t do this, but I felt like I need to. What I mean is, I don’t write about celebrity deaths. I don’t know them, so they tend to not impact me much. But this one made an impact.

As you may have heard, the world lost a great talent in Chester Bennington of Linkin Park. Linkin Park has been a significant part of my life. Their songs have grown with me. Their songs have been able to put into words things that I could not describe. For that, I am thankful.

Earlier today I was listening to their song “Battle Symphony” and it reminded me why I love Linkin Park. Nowadays it’s rare to find music that motives and inspires, but they never fail to do so. But back to the song. In it Chester sings, “If my armor breaks I’ll fuse it back together…If I fall, get knocked down Pick myself up off the ground”

It’s things like that that make me remember not to give up. I have never been suicidal, but I’ve struggled with depression. I’ve wanted to stop trying. To stop truly living and just simply exist. Life is hard. Life can suck. But there is beauty in life. You just have to look for it.

And if you can’t see that beauty, no matter how hard you look, tell someone. Sometimes you need to look through someone else’s eyes for a while. Sometimes you need someone to take you by the hand and walk with you until you can see the path of light and hope on your own.

It’s okay if you’re depressed. Tell someone. I know it’s hard and many people don’t understand. Find someone who does. I remember telling my mom I was depressed. Her response was to look at me like I was crazy and ask “what happened to make you depressed?” You don’t need a reason to be depressed.

I’ve seen way too many comments of people talking about how selfish suicide is and calling a dead man names. I don’t think suicide is a good answer. But you do not need to disgrace a dead man and step all over him. If you feel the need to say something negative about Chester or anyone else, remember that he has a family too. How do you think his family feels hearing and reading comments like this from complete strangers?

Linkin Park was an inspiration for me and I will be forever grateful to Chester and the rest of the band. My thoughts and prayers are with those close to Chester. And those of you struggling with depression, know that you’re not alone. There is help. There are people who care. I care. To all my lovelies, stay safe.

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I Hate Crushes

I swear I started typing this last week, but I have no clue what happened to it. Regardless, this is the story of me being flustered.

 

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Texting B right after work. I held in all my intense emotion for hours before I could leave work and text him. 

Here are the texts that I sent my friend. I don’t use emojis, yet I did in my text. That’s saying something. Why flustered? Well, some deputy invaded my personal space at work! It was actually quite innocent. He said I had something in my hair and immediately reached to grab it. Most people I encounter ask me before invading my space.

 

Let me go rewind a bit. This is a deputy that I’ve talked to before. He’s a nice guy, but I wasn’t expecting this. I’m convinced I stopped breathing momentarily. I had butterflies in my stomach…I’ve never had butterflies before.

He continued talking to me as if nothing happened. I slowly started backing away unconsciously. The moment I noticed I stopped myself. But honestly, I felt things I haven’t before.

There’s really not much to the story…sorry. He did invade my space again a few days later. I was in the OM (Officer’s Mess, where they serve us food) eating lunch and he walked in to grab some ice cream. We waved when I saw him enter, but I wasn’t expecting him to come over to where I was sitting. He went out of his way to sit with me for a minute or two before placing his hand on my shoulder and leaving.

Ugh. I hate crushes. No, it’s not because he made me flustered or gave me butterflies. Here’s the deal, I’ve had 3 guys who work in the jail suggest spending time with me or something in the last two weeks. First was this young deputy who

First was this young deputy who I’ve known since shortly after he started in the jail. We talk whenever we see each other. We seem to get each other’s humor and I feel comfortable talking to him. He’s about 5 years younger than me, but that doesn’t mean much. We were talking about trying to eat healthy and working out when he mentioned to me working out with him.

Next was an information specialist who is nice enough. Out of the three, I think he’s closest to me age. He offered to buy me food and is a little more aggressive with his flirting. I forgot why I had kind of pulled back on talking with him, but then I remembered. It’s one of those things where it seems obvious that someone likes you. I like maintaining the illusion that the guy just wants to be friends. (I have self-esteem issues.) He’s told me some about his life and what he does with his friends. It’s not who I could see myself hanging out with.

Last was the guy who got me flustered. We were talking about friends and I stated that I needed to make some more. He offered to be my friend. Prior to that, he suggested that maybe we could do something together. He’s the oldest of the bunch. He turned 39 the day of my flusteredness. He just does things that I find adorable. Like when he was telling me it was his birthday he did a little dance. Adorable, and I don’t use the word adorable to describe people over the age of 8 very often.

So, if you haven’t guessed, I have varying degrees of crushes on the two deputies mentioned. One gives me butterflies and the other makes me feel this comfort and ease. I need to have more conversations with butterfly guy. I feel comfortable talking to him, but I feel like I could talk to the other about anything, which is what I’ve always wanted. I feel like I could be myself with the young’un, while I think I could have some excitement with the other. Either way, I want to be friends and get to know each of them better.

They work so much. Fourteen-hour shifts are the norm. The older guy doesn’t even live in the area. He drives an hour, hour and a half each way to and from work. Geeze Louise. So, I hate crushes. I’ve never really liked them. It’s totally fine if we’re good friends and then it slowly transforms. As you can guess, I don’t date. I don’t hang out. I’m kind of lame.

Maybe one of these men will help me be less lame.

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I Need Discipline…

as a writer, that is. I know you’re probably tired of me saying that I suck at writing and blogging so I won’t say it. Instead I’ll say that I need discipline. I do have some post ideas in my brain and they will be on computer soon.  Today I decided to post on all 3 of my blogs. That’s probably why I’m waiting a bit to talk about specific this.

I’m consistent with blog number 3 in writing. I think of it as part of my job. I can be consistent with blog number 2 for a few weeks. I get to tell stories. Since this blog is just about whatever I feel like writing I have no consistency unless I challenge myself to write daily or something.

If I plan to write for a living or as part of what I plan to do for a living, I need to develop discipline. It’s not only in writing but in other areas of my life too.  I want to be a better person. That’s my goal. And I also feel like I need to make a significant career move, but I need to get my life together first.

Which brings me to the posts to come: Fairy Tail is ending soon and I have some thoughts on that and on crazy shipper fans (I’m a non-crazy, realistic, shipper fan who is fine if her ship does not float. Big difference.) and then another post about me being flustered. I have been so out of it since then. It’s kind of a big deal since I have never felt this way. I literally texted my friend once I got off work, “I’m flustered! A guy made me flustered! I don’t even know the proper definition of flustered, but that’s what I am.” It was followed by 4 different emojis, and I don’t even use emojis often. I kinda hate them, but I now know the proper definition of flustered.

Yeah, so I may or may not have feelings for a deputy who is 11 years older than me. And that may or may not be a conflict of interest of I did happen to date me. And I may or may not have any clue if he’s married or dating anyone, but have apparently started thinking, “what if?”

Also, I have jury duty tomorrow…for a county I don’t like in. They never responded to my disqualification request and the county I actually live in sent me a request a few days ago. Not looking forward to that. And if I get picked to sit on the jury for a trial, who knows how long it will take. The average length of a trial in Colorado is 3 days. I don’t have three days. It’s the end of the quarter. The jail ends its fiscal year with this month. I need to catch up on things.

I’m stressed. I’m a ball of anxiety. Literally all I need is a hug from someone I love and who loves me. Someone close. Not someone who I love as in the “love your neighbor” kind of way, but family or a really close friend. Or maybe I just need an ice cream sundae. I don’t know.

What I do know, lovelies, is that I feel somewhat lost. I can’t find my way. I don’t know which way to go. I don’t know what to feel either. Oh Lord, please help me. Maybe next post I’ll have more direction in my life.

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I’m Such a Fangirl

I’m trying to write some stories. In my mind nearly every story is basically a Fairy Tail fanfic. I’m not a fan fiction writer, nor do i want to be. It’s not my thing. 

So I was writing last night, avoiding giving my characters name. Then I wrote down a nickname, Juv. Initially a placeholder. Then I started to think, ‘what names can I give to where Juv is still here nickname?’ I now have names that combine the start of each name to be derivatives of Juvia and Gray.

So now I have:

Jubilee Vivian [insert last name] aka Juv (Juvia)

Greg Aidan [insert last name] aka Grai (Gray)
Yup, I am such a fan girl. He will probably never be referred to as Gray, but she will definitely be called Juv. I love Juvia’s name. They are two of my three favorite characters in FT. I also love Freed. 

I need to catch up on my FT. I’m very slowly reading the manga and haven’t quite made it to where the anime ended. But I can’t help looking at things to see what happens to them. 

I’m done talking about being a fan girl. Also, the mice back, or at least one.

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Love & Comfort

The last few weekends I had to take CAC (certified addiction counselor) classes. I’m so glad that I finished the last one today.  It’s also kinda sad. I met some nice people. One person in the classes I met during grad school. It was nice seeing her again. 

There was also this guy. I don’t know, there was something about him. He was nice. I’d like to be friends with him. Part of me was attracted to him as something more. Honestly, it’s been awahile since I’ve experienced any attraction. I’m pretty sure that it was because I felt comfortable around him. 

It reminded me of what I want. I want to feel loved. I want to have someone in my life who I feel comfortable around. I want to be loved and have support. A strong support system is what I want more than anything. I want to feel the comfort of people who care about me. I want to have someone who care about me like I’ve never known before. 

Most people around my age want that. So many of my friends are married. It sometimes makes me feel lonely when I see everyone coupled up. I went to a going away dinner for a couple in my small group on Tuesday. It was nice. Thing is, it was noticeble that there were three couples and one other single person. I didn’t feel alone, but I noticed that I was by myself. 

It was a comfort to be around everyone. It had been a while since I last saw them all as a group. It was a comfort. That’s what I want. It doesn’t have to be romantic. I want some sort of love. I want to feel like someone cares about me. That’s how I felt. I’m glad I was able make it. I’m glad to have support. 

So, love and comfort. It’s what I want more than anything. Comfort in the love I feel. That is my goal in life. I wish all you lovelies love and comfort in that love for yourself.  

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Trainings and Progress

I really need to get better at posting. 

Right now I’m in a class to become a certified addiction counselor. I had class last weekend, this weekend, and next weekend. That plus work Monday through Friday is tiring. This week I’m covering groups for my coworker since she’s in a training. So not looking forward to it.

I have over a month of porn-free living. Surprisingly, this has been the easiest bout of sobriety I’ve ever had. It’s kind of strange. Part of me is waiting for this huge uncontrollable craving to take place. Things are going too well. Maybe not “too well.” Maybe I’m just letting my anxiety control too much of my brain. 

In class we’re practicing motivational interviewing. We have to do “real play” instead of role play. The scenario I’m using is about wanting to meet people and build intimate relationships. I want to build a strong support system. I want to feel known. On this blog I’m open. I put myself out there, but in person it’s hard. It’s hard with people I know.

I just finished another real play. I really need to work on my confidence. It’s lacking. My self-esteem is kind of low. The question is how to improve that and decrease my anxiety. I’m getting better and can accept some compliments. Though it’s only really with work related compliments. I think it might be because I’m use to getting a compliment with a “but” attached to it. Oh the issues I have related to my family system…

Class is almost over. I’ll try to write more often. I’ll let you know if I make progress on those connections.

I’ll talk to you later, lovelies. 

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Life Update

I planned to write a several days ago. I saw a video and wanted to write about my conflicting views on it. The video was about something I’m passionate about, but I quickly forgot what the video was. Apparently it wasn’t that important. 

I’m going to be honest with you. Part of me wants to stop the relationship group I’m leading. I feel underprepared. The guys like the group, but thinking about it causes me some slight stress. I have no clue what we’re doing on Thursday when we talk about trust. 

Also, I’ve been isolating myself more. I can see it happening slowly. At first it was innocent. I honestly couldn’t make it. Then it became a choice. I need to fix it. I want to fix it.

I’m thinking about starting my own business. It wouldn’t be until the end of 2018. I should start praying about that. My prayer life has been subpar. I pray at prayer team meeting and occasionally at other times. But I lack regularity. 

Which leads me to Lent. I changed things for this last week. My motives from abstaining was lost. I felt like I was abstaining solely because I said that I was going to. And I failed to add in the things that I had planned to add. So I decided that if I want to watch videos or read stuff online I need to read my Bible first. 

The only things I’m doing are that and giving up eating out and meat. I still want to save the money so that I can give. I need to renew my faith. It’s there, but I can tell I’m becoming lukewarm. I’m also going to fast on Good Friday. The prayer team leader wanted us to fast half the day on Easter, but I was already set on Friday. So now the request in to fast at some point Easter weekend. 

I’ll be alone for Easter. It’s not the first time, but I’d love to spend time with people. Though I know if invited to spend Easter with people I would decline. I have some issues I need to work on. 

Well I will talk to you later. I’m trying to write a story for my other neglected blog.

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