Hey, Asexy!

Hey, lovelies. I hope y’all are having a good day.

Let’s get personal. We tend to do that regularly on here, but today feels slightly different. I’ve always identified as heterosexual. I’m attracted to men, my opposite gender, so there never felt a need to question that.

But over the last year or so, I’ve been questioning my sexuality. I’ve shared on here about my addiction to porn. It got me questioning if I was bisexual or pansexual. But then I remembered that it wasn’t about the sex. My porn addiction was about craving intimacy. I may have felt some sexual attraction, but I mostly felt not alone for a brief moment. Then came the icky feeling.

Looking back, I can’t really remember feeling sexual attraction towards anyone. I’ve always acted as if. I want to experience sex, but I don’t know. I thought I was just being a good Christian. No sexual temptation for me. 

After going back and forth, thinking about it and forgetting about it, I have come to this conclusion. I am gray-sexual and demi-hetero romantic. In other words, I don’t really feel sexual attraction, but I can. Its just rare. I’m also only romantically attracted to someone if we have a close emotional bond and they’re male. I don’t feel romantically attracted to everyone who fits that criteria though. It’s honestly pretty rare that I feel it.

This explains so much about me. I don’t date. I don’t have a desire to date. Every time someone brings up the topic, I think about the fact that all I want in life is to surround myself with people who care about me and who I also care about. For years I’ve told people that I can’t date someone unless I know them and we’re friends. I thought it might just be my anxiety. 

I’ve dated two guys in my life. They’re both great guys, but I knew it wouldn’t be long term. After getting in a relationship with one I realized I didn’t really like him like that. With the other, the moment it seemed like we weren’t connecting like we did before, I stopped caring as much about him romantically. I never really cared about the relationships ending. I wasn’t as invested as I wanted to be. 

My crushes tend to be me thinking someone is awesome and wanting to be friends with them. I now know that’s a squish. My life makes so much more sense now. I’ve known for a little while that I’m on the ace spectrum, but admitting it has given me a new sense of confidence. 

Yesterday I texted my friend, B, and told him. He’s the one person I can count on not to look at me strange no matter what I say. I love him to pieces. 

I joined an ace dating site yesterday. I will probably be deleting my profile today or by the end of the week at the latest. It was more out of curiousity than anything. But it was nice to have that pressure allevated. But I still think dating sites are weird. I want to meet people in person. Call me old-fashion like that. I’ll even accept meeting through something like this (blogging). 

I’ve never thought much about getting married. I’ve always assumed I would and I wanted it. I mainly just wanted someone to spend my life with and marriage seems like a method of achieving that. Honestly, ever sincee I was a little girl I’ve wanted to be a mother. Someone got mad at me once for saying that I thought more about being a mother than a wife. I’ve always wanted to adopt a kid, but wanted to wait for incase I got married. The hubby might want a say in this matter. But now I still plan to wait, but now it’s because I’m 28, living paycheck to paycheck, and barely making ends meet.

I still haven’t figured out who I plan to tell. My mom looks at my like a grew a second head when I say I’m depressed. I’m sure she won’t understand this either. But maybe after I tell them I’m a recovering porn addict. Or I can tell her both at the same time and confuse the heck out of her. I’ll probably tell my brother I’m close to before I tell anyone else in the family. My family doesn’t talk about stuff and this counts as stuff. Also, whenever I go back to Oklahoma I feel as though I’m a kid again. I have to be perfect and normal, whatever normal is. I can’t be me.

But here in Colorado, no one has any unrealistic expectations of me. No one is telling all the kids to be like me. I don’t think I would have embrassed this if I was still there in OK. I believe that I have written enough. I spent the bus ride to and from work along with a bit at home. I should be making dinner instead of standing in my kitchen typing this. 

That’s all for now. I will be taking applications for cuddle buddies this winter. Being gray sexual does not lessen the fact that physical touch is one of my primary love languages. I still need the hugs!

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Is it Right to Do What is Wrong for the Right Reason?

Guess what I watched this weekend? The Netflix Death Note movie.

Let me start off by saying that I am definitely a fan of the anime. And also, this is not a review of the movie or a comparison of it to the anime. I don’t do reviews. It’s not my style.

So I watched the movie. I was open to the differences. People are free to interpret things as they please. But as you may have guessed, I’m not a fan of it. The movie was “Americanized” or “Westernize” in the worst possible way. What I mean to say, is that it stripped Death Note of what made it great.

That’s what I was thinking about after watching the movie. I really wasn’t expecting all the blood and gore with every death. The words that come to my mind when I think Death Note are psychological thriller. I love that it’s a battle of wits while posing a moral question…which is how I came up with the title.

Is it right to do something wrong for the right reason? In the series, Light is killing people to make the world a better place. Yes, he does start thinking about becoming the god of this world because as they say, “Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

Is there any situation in which doing something you know is wrong would be a good thing, a right thing, or even the best thing to do?

I love moral dilemmas. I used to give them to one of my groups all the time. I would tell them that I’m more interested in their why than what they thought should be done. What would be the better option: Keep the book and use it to rid the world of those who deemed a corrupt and immoral or to let the book be passed along to some random person who could be anything from a someone with a strong and noble character and moral compass to someone with lots of homicidal thoughts

What is the best option if those are you two options? I mean, there’s no other real option.

Moving away from Death Note (because I don’t you to think that I spend my time thinking about how to I’d use a death note), how do you decide what is the morally acceptable answer? And is that the correct answer?  Also, how do you know if your moral compass needs a tune up?

Just questions for thought. I have no answers. I think of the questions, but don’t want to think of the answer.

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Huzzah! Productivity in Game Form?

So, as you know I can be a bit of a slacker. My goal is to change that. So enter various task based apps. I’ve tried a few and some have been game based, but most of them didn’t capture my interest.

A couple of days ago I decided to join Habitica. So far I like it, but the real test is whether I still want to use it after two weeks. I tend to like things the first week, then I slowly start using it less frequently, followed by deleting the app. I’m hoping that I make progress.

Now I just need to interact with people. I joined two guides: Writers and Avatar: The Last Airbender Guild. Next step is to join a party. Right now I’m a party of one. I started a quest on my own, just to test things out some. I should be done with it either tomorrow or the next day. (I’m kind of already slacking on my dailies.)

Guess I should explain the app some. You have a list of dailies (things to do daily), to-do list, and habits. You can create them and change them as you wish. Completing them gives you experience and gold. But missing dailies can cause damage. And if you’re battling a boss, you also get damaged by the boss. (Completing the tasks causes damage to the boss.)

I can never decide if I want to download an RPG onto my phone to play. I don’t really have games on my phone. I have plants vs zombies 2 on my phone, but I plan to delete it. I also have sudoku on my phone…we’ll see how long it lasts.

But anyways, if you have the app or decide to check it out…be my friend, join my party. Or just send me a message. My user name is Quietharmonies. I pretty much use that name for everything.

Okay, that’s all for now. Time for bed. Good night lovelies. Hopefully this app will help some with my unproductiveness.

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Goodbye Chester

I usually don’t do this, but I felt like I need to. What I mean is, I don’t write about celebrity deaths. I don’t know them, so they tend to not impact me much. But this one made an impact.

As you may have heard, the world lost a great talent in Chester Bennington of Linkin Park. Linkin Park has been a significant part of my life. Their songs have grown with me. Their songs have been able to put into words things that I could not describe. For that, I am thankful.

Earlier today I was listening to their song “Battle Symphony” and it reminded me why I love Linkin Park. Nowadays it’s rare to find music that motives and inspires, but they never fail to do so. But back to the song. In it Chester sings, “If my armor breaks I’ll fuse it back together…If I fall, get knocked down Pick myself up off the ground”

It’s things like that that make me remember not to give up. I have never been suicidal, but I’ve struggled with depression. I’ve wanted to stop trying. To stop truly living and just simply exist. Life is hard. Life can suck. But there is beauty in life. You just have to look for it.

And if you can’t see that beauty, no matter how hard you look, tell someone. Sometimes you need to look through someone else’s eyes for a while. Sometimes you need someone to take you by the hand and walk with you until you can see the path of light and hope on your own.

It’s okay if you’re depressed. Tell someone. I know it’s hard and many people don’t understand. Find someone who does. I remember telling my mom I was depressed. Her response was to look at me like I was crazy and ask “what happened to make you depressed?” You don’t need a reason to be depressed.

I’ve seen way too many comments of people talking about how selfish suicide is and calling a dead man names. I don’t think suicide is a good answer. But you do not need to disgrace a dead man and step all over him. If you feel the need to say something negative about Chester or anyone else, remember that he has a family too. How do you think his family feels hearing and reading comments like this from complete strangers?

Linkin Park was an inspiration for me and I will be forever grateful to Chester and the rest of the band. My thoughts and prayers are with those close to Chester. And those of you struggling with depression, know that you’re not alone. There is help. There are people who care. I care. To all my lovelies, stay safe.

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I Hate Crushes

I swear I started typing this last week, but I have no clue what happened to it. Regardless, this is the story of me being flustered.

 

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Texting B right after work. I held in all my intense emotion for hours before I could leave work and text him. 

Here are the texts that I sent my friend. I don’t use emojis, yet I did in my text. That’s saying something. Why flustered? Well, some deputy invaded my personal space at work! It was actually quite innocent. He said I had something in my hair and immediately reached to grab it. Most people I encounter ask me before invading my space.

 

Let me go rewind a bit. This is a deputy that I’ve talked to before. He’s a nice guy, but I wasn’t expecting this. I’m convinced I stopped breathing momentarily. I had butterflies in my stomach…I’ve never had butterflies before.

He continued talking to me as if nothing happened. I slowly started backing away unconsciously. The moment I noticed I stopped myself. But honestly, I felt things I haven’t before.

There’s really not much to the story…sorry. He did invade my space again a few days later. I was in the OM (Officer’s Mess, where they serve us food) eating lunch and he walked in to grab some ice cream. We waved when I saw him enter, but I wasn’t expecting him to come over to where I was sitting. He went out of his way to sit with me for a minute or two before placing his hand on my shoulder and leaving.

Ugh. I hate crushes. No, it’s not because he made me flustered or gave me butterflies. Here’s the deal, I’ve had 3 guys who work in the jail suggest spending time with me or something in the last two weeks. First was this young deputy who

First was this young deputy who I’ve known since shortly after he started in the jail. We talk whenever we see each other. We seem to get each other’s humor and I feel comfortable talking to him. He’s about 5 years younger than me, but that doesn’t mean much. We were talking about trying to eat healthy and working out when he mentioned to me working out with him.

Next was an information specialist who is nice enough. Out of the three, I think he’s closest to me age. He offered to buy me food and is a little more aggressive with his flirting. I forgot why I had kind of pulled back on talking with him, but then I remembered. It’s one of those things where it seems obvious that someone likes you. I like maintaining the illusion that the guy just wants to be friends. (I have self-esteem issues.) He’s told me some about his life and what he does with his friends. It’s not who I could see myself hanging out with.

Last was the guy who got me flustered. We were talking about friends and I stated that I needed to make some more. He offered to be my friend. Prior to that, he suggested that maybe we could do something together. He’s the oldest of the bunch. He turned 39 the day of my flusteredness. He just does things that I find adorable. Like when he was telling me it was his birthday he did a little dance. Adorable, and I don’t use the word adorable to describe people over the age of 8 very often.

So, if you haven’t guessed, I have varying degrees of crushes on the two deputies mentioned. One gives me butterflies and the other makes me feel this comfort and ease. I need to have more conversations with butterfly guy. I feel comfortable talking to him, but I feel like I could talk to the other about anything, which is what I’ve always wanted. I feel like I could be myself with the young’un, while I think I could have some excitement with the other. Either way, I want to be friends and get to know each of them better.

They work so much. Fourteen-hour shifts are the norm. The older guy doesn’t even live in the area. He drives an hour, hour and a half each way to and from work. Geeze Louise. So, I hate crushes. I’ve never really liked them. It’s totally fine if we’re good friends and then it slowly transforms. As you can guess, I don’t date. I don’t hang out. I’m kind of lame.

Maybe one of these men will help me be less lame.

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I Need Discipline…

as a writer, that is. I know you’re probably tired of me saying that I suck at writing and blogging so I won’t say it. Instead I’ll say that I need discipline. I do have some post ideas in my brain and they will be on computer soon.  Today I decided to post on all 3 of my blogs. That’s probably why I’m waiting a bit to talk about specific this.

I’m consistent with blog number 3 in writing. I think of it as part of my job. I can be consistent with blog number 2 for a few weeks. I get to tell stories. Since this blog is just about whatever I feel like writing I have no consistency unless I challenge myself to write daily or something.

If I plan to write for a living or as part of what I plan to do for a living, I need to develop discipline. It’s not only in writing but in other areas of my life too.  I want to be a better person. That’s my goal. And I also feel like I need to make a significant career move, but I need to get my life together first.

Which brings me to the posts to come: Fairy Tail is ending soon and I have some thoughts on that and on crazy shipper fans (I’m a non-crazy, realistic, shipper fan who is fine if her ship does not float. Big difference.) and then another post about me being flustered. I have been so out of it since then. It’s kind of a big deal since I have never felt this way. I literally texted my friend once I got off work, “I’m flustered! A guy made me flustered! I don’t even know the proper definition of flustered, but that’s what I am.” It was followed by 4 different emojis, and I don’t even use emojis often. I kinda hate them, but I now know the proper definition of flustered.

Yeah, so I may or may not have feelings for a deputy who is 11 years older than me. And that may or may not be a conflict of interest of I did happen to date me. And I may or may not have any clue if he’s married or dating anyone, but have apparently started thinking, “what if?”

Also, I have jury duty tomorrow…for a county I don’t like in. They never responded to my disqualification request and the county I actually live in sent me a request a few days ago. Not looking forward to that. And if I get picked to sit on the jury for a trial, who knows how long it will take. The average length of a trial in Colorado is 3 days. I don’t have three days. It’s the end of the quarter. The jail ends its fiscal year with this month. I need to catch up on things.

I’m stressed. I’m a ball of anxiety. Literally all I need is a hug from someone I love and who loves me. Someone close. Not someone who I love as in the “love your neighbor” kind of way, but family or a really close friend. Or maybe I just need an ice cream sundae. I don’t know.

What I do know, lovelies, is that I feel somewhat lost. I can’t find my way. I don’t know which way to go. I don’t know what to feel either. Oh Lord, please help me. Maybe next post I’ll have more direction in my life.

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I’m Such a Fangirl

I’m trying to write some stories. In my mind nearly every story is basically a Fairy Tail fanfic. I’m not a fan fiction writer, nor do i want to be. It’s not my thing. 

So I was writing last night, avoiding giving my characters name. Then I wrote down a nickname, Juv. Initially a placeholder. Then I started to think, ‘what names can I give to where Juv is still here nickname?’ I now have names that combine the start of each name to be derivatives of Juvia and Gray.

So now I have:

Jubilee Vivian [insert last name] aka Juv (Juvia)

Greg Aidan [insert last name] aka Grai (Gray)
Yup, I am such a fan girl. He will probably never be referred to as Gray, but she will definitely be called Juv. I love Juvia’s name. They are two of my three favorite characters in FT. I also love Freed. 

I need to catch up on my FT. I’m very slowly reading the manga and haven’t quite made it to where the anime ended. But I can’t help looking at things to see what happens to them. 

I’m done talking about being a fan girl. Also, the mice back, or at least one.

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