I Want to Share my News

Hello, lovelies. I have some good news.

I am officially a Licensed Professional Counselor. I’m so happy about this. I have worked hard to get this and there were problems with my application supposedly. But it all worked out.

So now I need to figure out the next step is for me. I plan to start looking for jobs again and continue to work on myself. I know good things are possible.

Lent starts on Wednesday. It seems too early for that. Easter is on April Fool’s Day. I told my mom that the first thing that came to mind when I realized that was: When Jesus rose from the dead he was like “April Fools. I’m alive.” If I was a pastor, that would totally be part of my message for this Easter.

I don’t have much else to say. I just wanted to share the good news of getting my license with all of you. You have been a part of my journey. In January I got a notice about my WordPress anniversary. Seven years ago I signed up for this blog. I was applying for graduate schools and finishing my senior year of college at The University of Tulsa. 

This blog has been source of self-care. It’s been a way to express myself, doubts, fears, and everything else. So thank you for being part of this. You truly are lovely.

I love you all. And I will chat with all you lovely people of the internet later.

 

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“I Believe; Help My Unbelief”

I had a revelation. Have you ever read Mark 9:14-29? I’m like the father in that story. I find myself crying out, “I believe; help my unbelief!” If I had to some up my faith in a sentence, this might be it.

I believe that there is a God. I could never deny that God exists. I know He’s real, but I’m constantly riddled with doubts and unbelief. I believe, but wonder ‘what if…’ I believe, but something stops me from fully committing my life to God. It ebbs and flows.

I think my unbelief is surrounding what God is capable of doing. I know people who have great testimonies. People who have seen miracles in their lives or in the life for other. I haven’t had experiences like that.

I think that’s why I doubt. I know that faith is faith because it doesn’t require proof. And it’s not the proof itself that I need. I’m just not sure of what God can truly do. And it makes me question. And while there is nothing wrong with asking questions, you have to accept that not every question will have an answer you understand.

I’m learning to be okay with where I am. Admitting that I have doubts and that I want help with my unbelief was a relief. I’ve spent too much time trying to act like the Christian people believe I am instead of being honest with myself about what my struggles are. How can I grow if I don’t know where I need to grow?

So, here’s to being honest. Here’s to admitting to God that I am uncertain about a lot of things, who He truly is being one of them. Here’s to using this time to learn more and grow in my faith.

Maybe that was what’s keeping me from some of the things I’ve wanted and felt I needed. I tried to do things on my own because I know what I’m capable of. Now I just want to add more God to my life. By doing that I will allow Him to work in my life. I will be less likely to try by my own might to do things.

I’m excited and slightly fearful for this journey in my life. A road to somewhere…somewhere brighter, I’m sure.

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Shame sucks. We should do something about it.

Hey lovelies. I hope everything is going well for you.

I mentioned that my church was doing 21 days of prayer and fasting. Yesterday was the last day. I had mixed results. I had no problem with the fasting from certain foods. My birthday was during these 21 days, but I didn’t feel the need to eat outside of my fast. I found somewhere within it to eat and spent time with a friend.

I did struggle with fasting from internet use in my apartment. You’d think it’d be easy since I don’t have internet. But no.

After the first week or two I my prayer became irregular and my devotionals became even more irregular than my prayers.

I found myself realizing that I need to do something different.

I realized that one of the things that is keeping me from moving forward is shame. During these 21 days I searched for porn, opened tabs, then shut them all before looking at them. Every time I did, I didn’t see the victory of not actually looking at things. Instead I saw the failure.

And yesterday I was mentally checked out. Part of me was saying things like, “The fast is almost over. I might as well just eat what I want.” or “Does it really matter if I continue with this or not?” I think those thoughts contributed to the shame I was already feeling. But I didn’t realize that I was feeling that shame.

Every time I had a feeling of shame I told myself that it was a lie. I told myself that I am more than the mistakes I make. But I have a hard time feeling and believing things that I know are true. So even if the thought isn’t in my mind anymore, I think I still feel that emotion. It’s small most of the time, but still there.

But the thing that got me really thinking about what to do now is that I actually did give in and watch porn yesterday. Not for a long period of time, but more than I’d like. And it’s not about the sobriety. It’s about how I thought that I am worthless and horrible and other negative thoughts right after. I believe that those thoughts are keeping me from so much.

For example: I know God loves me, but I don’t feel it. I can’t accept it. I know that I am talented and qualified for better jobs, but I don’t feel like I worthy of those other jobs.

I really need to go to counseling.

So, starting today I am making a challenge for myself. 40 days closer to a shameless life. It’s basically me just making small goals for myself every day to help me achieve my goals. Each day ends with me writing to God. I’m still figuring it out, but I need goals. I need to see my success for myself. You can tell me that I’m great, but I probably won’t believe it. You can forgive, God can forgive me, but I don’t think I’ve truly forgiven myself.

Today after church there was potluck to celebrate the end of the 21 days of prayer and fasting. I didn’t stay for it. Initially, I planned to skip for superficial reasons. But in the end it came down to not wanting to be around everyone. It wasn’t because of the shame. It was because I didn’t want to celebrate this ending. It’s a beginning. And I didn’t want to talk about how great everyone did or someone slipping up and eating something. I want to talk about the big picture. I want to talk about how this impacted our hearts. I want to talk about how shame is running rampage. I want to talk about what I wrote here.

But I can’t. It’s not really that I can’t. It’s more that I’m tired of judgment or people not wanting to talk about it. You don’t talk about serious things when celebrating. You don’t talk about it when people pray about it like you are the problem. You don’t talk about it when no one else wants to talk about the deep stuff.

I’ve only had an accountability partner once. I don’t think she realized she was being judgmental and rude. I tried with others, but got blew off some due to a lack of car. Others, once I mentioned by problems, their response was ‘ok.’

So I write. And I keep trying to speak. I keep seeking people to build relationship with. I keep going.

But I really need to work on this shame thing. I take little comments personally. I use to not do that. But now, I internalize it. Somehow my dad answering the phone ‘What do you want baby? I’m at work’ was interpreted as ‘you’re an annoyance. Make this quick.’ I guess it’s easy to make that connection, but you’d think that since today is his birthday he’d know why I’m calling the moment I do.

I feel guilty for not calling my dad more, but times like this make me remember why. He’s always busy or tired. But that’s an issue for another day.

So moral of this post: Shame sucks. I’m working it on. Find people who won’t judge you for your flaws. It’s hard sometimes.

I’m glad to have you, my lovelies. I feel alone at times and it’s hard for me to open up, especially when I feel like people are being judgmental and elitist or have an inaccurate image of me. You let me be me. You don’t have much of a choice in it since our relationship is purely online, but thank you regardless.

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Scripture Doodling – Matthew 6:21

20180106_113640“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21

 

What do you value? What are your priorities? Are you storing up earthly things? Or are you storing your treasures in heaven?

What weighs more to you: the things you have on earth or the things God has for you in heaven?

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Welcome to 2018!

Hello lovelies. This is my first post of 2018. I hope that all of you had a wonderful holiday season.

I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do in 2018. I want to make positive changes in my life. No resolutions for me. I honestly don’t like them. But I want to continue to grow.

My church is doing 21-days of prayer and fasting. It starts tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it. I need to spend more time with God. I put too much focus into things that are of little importance. This is a chance to get my priorities straight.

The prayer team is proposing the Daniel Fast to the church. I might not have it exactly, but I plan to use that as the basis of my fasting. Other members of the prayer team are focus on how they’re going to get their protein and what exactly is allowed on the Daniel fast.

But here’s the thing, that’s not the most important preparation. We don’t need to spend our prayer team meetings talking about that. You want to be healthy when you do this. You also need to prepare spiritually. Your intention matters more than what type of fasting.

I had a former client who would fast all the time. She would tell herself that it was for spiritual reasons, but knew deep down that it was to lose weight. God knows our heart.

I’m trying to get mine right.

I will talk to you lovelies later.

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Scripture Doodling – 2 Corinthians 5:7

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7
I made some minor mistakes, but I’m satisfied. The main question now is what verse to do next?

Have a merry Christmas, lovelies.

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Scripture Doodling – Matthew 7:7

I decided that I want to draw pictures as a representation of some Bible verses that I like or that stick out to me. The first verse I did is Matthew 7:7, “Ask and it will be given to you; Seek and you will find; Knock and the door will be open to you.” This verse was actually part of the sermon at church on Sunday, which is when I did this.

It’s not perfect and I can think of several things that I’d change if I was to do it now, like the E. Totally just hit me now that a lowercase e would of been better than trying to make a capital E look like an eye. Oh well.

One thing I did realize is that I haven’t written in cursive in years, aside from my signature. As you can tell it’s not the best. But that’s okay. I’m not striving for perfection. I want something to mean something to me.

I’m trying to reinvest in my relationship with God. Reading the Bible isn’t my strong suit, so by doing this I will be coming more comfortable with doing so.

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