Hey lovelies. I hope everything is going well for you.
I mentioned that my church was doing 21 days of prayer and fasting. Yesterday was the last day. I had mixed results. I had no problem with the fasting from certain foods. My birthday was during these 21 days, but I didn’t feel the need to eat outside of my fast. I found somewhere within it to eat and spent time with a friend.
I did struggle with fasting from internet use in my apartment. You’d think it’d be easy since I don’t have internet. But no.
After the first week or two I my prayer became irregular and my devotionals became even more irregular than my prayers.
I found myself realizing that I need to do something different.
I realized that one of the things that is keeping me from moving forward is shame. During these 21 days I searched for porn, opened tabs, then shut them all before looking at them. Every time I did, I didn’t see the victory of not actually looking at things. Instead I saw the failure.
And yesterday I was mentally checked out. Part of me was saying things like, “The fast is almost over. I might as well just eat what I want.” or “Does it really matter if I continue with this or not?” I think those thoughts contributed to the shame I was already feeling. But I didn’t realize that I was feeling that shame.
Every time I had a feeling of shame I told myself that it was a lie. I told myself that I am more than the mistakes I make. But I have a hard time feeling and believing things that I know are true. So even if the thought isn’t in my mind anymore, I think I still feel that emotion. It’s small most of the time, but still there.
But the thing that got me really thinking about what to do now is that I actually did give in and watch porn yesterday. Not for a long period of time, but more than I’d like. And it’s not about the sobriety. It’s about how I thought that I am worthless and horrible and other negative thoughts right after. I believe that those thoughts are keeping me from so much.
For example: I know God loves me, but I don’t feel it. I can’t accept it. I know that I am talented and qualified for better jobs, but I don’t feel like I worthy of those other jobs.
I really need to go to counseling.
So, starting today I am making a challenge for myself. 40 days closer to a shameless life. It’s basically me just making small goals for myself every day to help me achieve my goals. Each day ends with me writing to God. I’m still figuring it out, but I need goals. I need to see my success for myself. You can tell me that I’m great, but I probably won’t believe it. You can forgive, God can forgive me, but I don’t think I’ve truly forgiven myself.
Today after church there was potluck to celebrate the end of the 21 days of prayer and fasting. I didn’t stay for it. Initially, I planned to skip for superficial reasons. But in the end it came down to not wanting to be around everyone. It wasn’t because of the shame. It was because I didn’t want to celebrate this ending. It’s a beginning. And I didn’t want to talk about how great everyone did or someone slipping up and eating something. I want to talk about the big picture. I want to talk about how this impacted our hearts. I want to talk about how shame is running rampage. I want to talk about what I wrote here.
But I can’t. It’s not really that I can’t. It’s more that I’m tired of judgment or people not wanting to talk about it. You don’t talk about serious things when celebrating. You don’t talk about it when people pray about it like you are the problem. You don’t talk about it when no one else wants to talk about the deep stuff.
I’ve only had an accountability partner once. I don’t think she realized she was being judgmental and rude. I tried with others, but got blew off some due to a lack of car. Others, once I mentioned by problems, their response was ‘ok.’
So I write. And I keep trying to speak. I keep seeking people to build relationship with. I keep going.
But I really need to work on this shame thing. I take little comments personally. I use to not do that. But now, I internalize it. Somehow my dad answering the phone ‘What do you want baby? I’m at work’ was interpreted as ‘you’re an annoyance. Make this quick.’ I guess it’s easy to make that connection, but you’d think that since today is his birthday he’d know why I’m calling the moment I do.
I feel guilty for not calling my dad more, but times like this make me remember why. He’s always busy or tired. But that’s an issue for another day.
So moral of this post: Shame sucks. I’m working it on. Find people who won’t judge you for your flaws. It’s hard sometimes.
I’m glad to have you, my lovelies. I feel alone at times and it’s hard for me to open up, especially when I feel like people are being judgmental and elitist or have an inaccurate image of me. You let me be me. You don’t have much of a choice in it since our relationship is purely online, but thank you regardless.