Let’s Get Healthy

Okay folks. I know I’ve said it before about getting healthy, but I am going to commit to it. Overall I eat healthy… until I get lazy and decide not to cook. I walk a bit due to buses… but honestly it’s not that much. And I exercise regularly… for a week or two… every few months…

If I’m doing it with people it’s doable. If I have a set time, it’s doable. If I actually spell out what changes I want to make, it’s doable.

I got under 200lbs, which is awesome. Now I’m trying to get closer to 175. That is my next goal. I can totally do this. I just lack motivation in several areas of my life right now. (Hence why I ate out most of the last week or two and haven’t cleaned my place in… way too long.)

I try to be honest, which is why I’m telling you guys. You know, accountability. I didn’t weigh myself yesterday because I’m sure it went up. So I’m guessing 15-20 lbs more than I’d like. And the issue isn’t so much the weight. If I had more muscle, I wouldn’t really mind the weight.

If we get down to it, I really just want to feel and be healthy. So I’m giving myself two things to do this week:

  1. No chips. I can stay away from them easily, but I’d rather not. So I don’t. But I will.
  2. Work out at least 2 times in the next week. Workout should be at least 20 minutes, but preferably 30+ minutes.

Both these things I know I can do. And by telling you all, I will do them. Though right now my knees hurt. It’s been not a good week for my lower limbs.

On Wednesday I stepped on a rusty nail. Thankfully I had my tetanus booster shot 3 weeks prior. The Friday night/Saturday morning, I was on my bed, feet on the wall, and I must of locked my knees. I was in a weird position and it cause pain in the back of my knees. Thought I was find, but went to the museum and *Bam!* knee pain. Woke up today. Fine for a while then *Bam!* knee pain. Then both knees. Oh my poor back of my knees. It’s not so much a hurting as something doesn’t feel right. Like I did too much after exercising.

But anyhoo, my plan for the week. You are welcome to join me in this. You can use the same two changes as me or make your own. I tend to do more than what I plan when starting out because I’m a part-time overachiever.

Well I’m going to go cook. Talk to you lovelies later.

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Ugh….things not posting…

I am NOT happy. I posted on one of my other blogs on April 7. My phone told me it was posted. Today, I realized that it wasn’t for some reason, or maybe it was briefly. I worked hard on that post and really liked it, only to be left with just pictures. All my words, gone.

I went to my phone to make sure it was posted, but it reverted back to how it was on my tablet. This is why I should write things on a document first. I think it might have been posted for a bit, since it said I had views on it.

Oh the agony! I guess it’s not that bad. It was just a post I really, really liked. How often do you get a post that incompasses who you are and what you believe in such a beautiful and meaningful way? In other words, it had God and anime mixed together. Not just together, but together in a way that showed glory to God. Guess I’ll rewrite it. Maybe post it for Father’s day.

I just needed to share my frustration.

…Now I need to write about Mother’s day.

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Oh No! I Neglected You Again!

Sorry folks. I didn’t realize February was the last time I posted on here. But now that I have, I am writing.

I don’t know what to write though. I decided not to vent about last week on my other blog and I don’t really want to do it anywhere anymore. But trust me when I say a family conversation was rather stressful. Spent this past week emotionally drained.

I will try to post at least once a month on here. Maybe some more scripture doodles or write something. Maybe just me singing… I’m not half bad…

Either way, I don’t want to neglect you. You are all awesome.

Oh, I also need to write a bio for my high school. One of the counselors is trying to get bios from the black alumni since they did nothing for black history month this year. I hate telling people about myself and my accomplishments. Blah.

I need to do that soon. Okay. I think that’s all. I need to cook. Fooood. I need ffffooooodddd.

Speaking of food, I just had some dried figs that were infused with water. I must say, they are weird. It’s mostly because I’m used to the dried figs that are not infused with water. But they’re not bad. Just weird.

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I Want to Share my News

Hello, lovelies. I have some good news.

I am officially a Licensed Professional Counselor. I’m so happy about this. I have worked hard to get this and there were problems with my application supposedly. But it all worked out.

So now I need to figure out the next step is for me. I plan to start looking for jobs again and continue to work on myself. I know good things are possible.

Lent starts on Wednesday. It seems too early for that. Easter is on April Fool’s Day. I told my mom that the first thing that came to mind when I realized that was: When Jesus rose from the dead he was like “April Fools. I’m alive.” If I was a pastor, that would totally be part of my message for this Easter.

I don’t have much else to say. I just wanted to share the good news of getting my license with all of you. You have been a part of my journey. In January I got a notice about my WordPress anniversary. Seven years ago I signed up for this blog. I was applying for graduate schools and finishing my senior year of college at The University of Tulsa. 

This blog has been source of self-care. It’s been a way to express myself, doubts, fears, and everything else. So thank you for being part of this. You truly are lovely.

I love you all. And I will chat with all you lovely people of the internet later.

 

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“I Believe; Help My Unbelief”

I had a revelation. Have you ever read Mark 9:14-29? I’m like the father in that story. I find myself crying out, “I believe; help my unbelief!” If I had to some up my faith in a sentence, this might be it.

I believe that there is a God. I could never deny that God exists. I know He’s real, but I’m constantly riddled with doubts and unbelief. I believe, but wonder ‘what if…’ I believe, but something stops me from fully committing my life to God. It ebbs and flows.

I think my unbelief is surrounding what God is capable of doing. I know people who have great testimonies. People who have seen miracles in their lives or in the life for other. I haven’t had experiences like that.

I think that’s why I doubt. I know that faith is faith because it doesn’t require proof. And it’s not the proof itself that I need. I’m just not sure of what God can truly do. And it makes me question. And while there is nothing wrong with asking questions, you have to accept that not every question will have an answer you understand.

I’m learning to be okay with where I am. Admitting that I have doubts and that I want help with my unbelief was a relief. I’ve spent too much time trying to act like the Christian people believe I am instead of being honest with myself about what my struggles are. How can I grow if I don’t know where I need to grow?

So, here’s to being honest. Here’s to admitting to God that I am uncertain about a lot of things, who He truly is being one of them. Here’s to using this time to learn more and grow in my faith.

Maybe that was what’s keeping me from some of the things I’ve wanted and felt I needed. I tried to do things on my own because I know what I’m capable of. Now I just want to add more God to my life. By doing that I will allow Him to work in my life. I will be less likely to try by my own might to do things.

I’m excited and slightly fearful for this journey in my life. A road to somewhere…somewhere brighter, I’m sure.

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Shame sucks. We should do something about it.

Hey lovelies. I hope everything is going well for you.

I mentioned that my church was doing 21 days of prayer and fasting. Yesterday was the last day. I had mixed results. I had no problem with the fasting from certain foods. My birthday was during these 21 days, but I didn’t feel the need to eat outside of my fast. I found somewhere within it to eat and spent time with a friend.

I did struggle with fasting from internet use in my apartment. You’d think it’d be easy since I don’t have internet. But no.

After the first week or two I my prayer became irregular and my devotionals became even more irregular than my prayers.

I found myself realizing that I need to do something different.

I realized that one of the things that is keeping me from moving forward is shame. During these 21 days I searched for porn, opened tabs, then shut them all before looking at them. Every time I did, I didn’t see the victory of not actually looking at things. Instead I saw the failure.

And yesterday I was mentally checked out. Part of me was saying things like, “The fast is almost over. I might as well just eat what I want.” or “Does it really matter if I continue with this or not?” I think those thoughts contributed to the shame I was already feeling. But I didn’t realize that I was feeling that shame.

Every time I had a feeling of shame I told myself that it was a lie. I told myself that I am more than the mistakes I make. But I have a hard time feeling and believing things that I know are true. So even if the thought isn’t in my mind anymore, I think I still feel that emotion. It’s small most of the time, but still there.

But the thing that got me really thinking about what to do now is that I actually did give in and watch porn yesterday. Not for a long period of time, but more than I’d like. And it’s not about the sobriety. It’s about how I thought that I am worthless and horrible and other negative thoughts right after. I believe that those thoughts are keeping me from so much.

For example: I know God loves me, but I don’t feel it. I can’t accept it. I know that I am talented and qualified for better jobs, but I don’t feel like I worthy of those other jobs.

I really need to go to counseling.

So, starting today I am making a challenge for myself. 40 days closer to a shameless life. It’s basically me just making small goals for myself every day to help me achieve my goals. Each day ends with me writing to God. I’m still figuring it out, but I need goals. I need to see my success for myself. You can tell me that I’m great, but I probably won’t believe it. You can forgive, God can forgive me, but I don’t think I’ve truly forgiven myself.

Today after church there was potluck to celebrate the end of the 21 days of prayer and fasting. I didn’t stay for it. Initially, I planned to skip for superficial reasons. But in the end it came down to not wanting to be around everyone. It wasn’t because of the shame. It was because I didn’t want to celebrate this ending. It’s a beginning. And I didn’t want to talk about how great everyone did or someone slipping up and eating something. I want to talk about the big picture. I want to talk about how this impacted our hearts. I want to talk about how shame is running rampage. I want to talk about what I wrote here.

But I can’t. It’s not really that I can’t. It’s more that I’m tired of judgment or people not wanting to talk about it. You don’t talk about serious things when celebrating. You don’t talk about it when people pray about it like you are the problem. You don’t talk about it when no one else wants to talk about the deep stuff.

I’ve only had an accountability partner once. I don’t think she realized she was being judgmental and rude. I tried with others, but got blew off some due to a lack of car. Others, once I mentioned by problems, their response was ‘ok.’

So I write. And I keep trying to speak. I keep seeking people to build relationship with. I keep going.

But I really need to work on this shame thing. I take little comments personally. I use to not do that. But now, I internalize it. Somehow my dad answering the phone ‘What do you want baby? I’m at work’ was interpreted as ‘you’re an annoyance. Make this quick.’ I guess it’s easy to make that connection, but you’d think that since today is his birthday he’d know why I’m calling the moment I do.

I feel guilty for not calling my dad more, but times like this make me remember why. He’s always busy or tired. But that’s an issue for another day.

So moral of this post: Shame sucks. I’m working it on. Find people who won’t judge you for your flaws. It’s hard sometimes.

I’m glad to have you, my lovelies. I feel alone at times and it’s hard for me to open up, especially when I feel like people are being judgmental and elitist or have an inaccurate image of me. You let me be me. You don’t have much of a choice in it since our relationship is purely online, but thank you regardless.

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Scripture Doodling – Matthew 6:21

20180106_113640“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21

 

What do you value? What are your priorities? Are you storing up earthly things? Or are you storing your treasures in heaven?

What weighs more to you: the things you have on earth or the things God has for you in heaven?

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