I Hate Crushes

I swear I started typing this last week, but I have no clue what happened to it. Regardless, this is the story of me being flustered.



Texting B right after work. I held in all my intense emotion for hours before I could leave work and text him. 

Here are the texts that I sent my friend. I don’t use emojis, yet I did in my text. That’s saying something. Why flustered? Well, some deputy invaded my personal space at work! It was actually quite innocent. He said I had something in my hair and immediately reached to grab it. Most people I encounter ask me before invading my space.


Let me go rewind a bit. This is a deputy that I’ve talked to before. He’s a nice guy, but I wasn’t expecting this. I’m convinced I stopped breathing momentarily. I had butterflies in my stomach…I’ve never had butterflies before.

He continued talking to me as if nothing happened. I slowly started backing away unconsciously. The moment I noticed I stopped myself. But honestly, I felt things I haven’t before.

There’s really not much to the story…sorry. He did invade my space again a few days later. I was in the OM (Officer’s Mess, where they serve us food) eating lunch and he walked in to grab some ice cream. We waved when I saw him enter, but I wasn’t expecting him to come over to where I was sitting. He went out of his way to sit with me for a minute or two before placing his hand on my shoulder and leaving.

Ugh. I hate crushes. No, it’s not because he made me flustered or gave me butterflies. Here’s the deal, I’ve had 3 guys who work in the jail suggest spending time with me or something in the last two weeks. First was this young deputy who

First was this young deputy who I’ve known since shortly after he started in the jail. We talk whenever we see each other. We seem to get each other’s humor and I feel comfortable talking to him. He’s about 5 years younger than me, but that doesn’t mean much. We were talking about trying to eat healthy and working out when he mentioned to me working out with him.

Next was an information specialist who is nice enough. Out of the three, I think he’s closest to me age. He offered to buy me food and is a little more aggressive with his flirting. I forgot why I had kind of pulled back on talking with him, but then I remembered. It’s one of those things where it seems obvious that someone likes you. I like maintaining the illusion that the guy just wants to be friends. (I have self-esteem issues.) He’s told me some about his life and what he does with his friends. It’s not who I could see myself hanging out with.

Last was the guy who got me flustered. We were talking about friends and I stated that I needed to make some more. He offered to be my friend. Prior to that, he suggested that maybe we could do something together. He’s the oldest of the bunch. He turned 39 the day of my flusteredness. He just does things that I find adorable. Like when he was telling me it was his birthday he did a little dance. Adorable, and I don’t use the word adorable to describe people over the age of 8 very often.

So, if you haven’t guessed, I have varying degrees of crushes on the two deputies mentioned. One gives me butterflies and the other makes me feel this comfort and ease. I need to have more conversations with butterfly guy. I feel comfortable talking to him, but I feel like I could talk to the other about anything, which is what I’ve always wanted. I feel like I could be myself with the young’un, while I think I could have some excitement with the other. Either way, I want to be friends and get to know each of them better.

They work so much. Fourteen-hour shifts are the norm. The older guy doesn’t even live in the area. He drives an hour, hour and a half each way to and from work. Geeze Louise. So, I hate crushes. I’ve never really liked them. It’s totally fine if we’re good friends and then it slowly transforms. As you can guess, I don’t date. I don’t hang out. I’m kind of lame.

Maybe one of these men will help me be less lame.

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