I had a revelation. Have you ever read Mark 9:14-29? I’m like the father in that story. I find myself crying out, “I believe; help my unbelief!” If I had to some up my faith in a sentence, this might be it.
I believe that there is a God. I could never deny that God exists. I know He’s real, but I’m constantly riddled with doubts and unbelief. I believe, but wonder ‘what if…’ I believe, but something stops me from fully committing my life to God. It ebbs and flows.
I think my unbelief is surrounding what God is capable of doing. I know people who have great testimonies. People who have seen miracles in their lives or in the life for other. I haven’t had experiences like that.
I think that’s why I doubt. I know that faith is faith because it doesn’t require proof. And it’s not the proof itself that I need. I’m just not sure of what God can truly do. And it makes me question. And while there is nothing wrong with asking questions, you have to accept that not every question will have an answer you understand.
I’m learning to be okay with where I am. Admitting that I have doubts and that I want help with my unbelief was a relief. I’ve spent too much time trying to act like the Christian people believe I am instead of being honest with myself about what my struggles are. How can I grow if I don’t know where I need to grow?
So, here’s to being honest. Here’s to admitting to God that I am uncertain about a lot of things, who He truly is being one of them. Here’s to using this time to learn more and grow in my faith.
Maybe that was what’s keeping me from some of the things I’ve wanted and felt I needed. I tried to do things on my own because I know what I’m capable of. Now I just want to add more God to my life. By doing that I will allow Him to work in my life. I will be less likely to try by my own might to do things.
I’m excited and slightly fearful for this journey in my life. A road to somewhere…somewhere brighter, I’m sure.