Love & Comfort

The last few weekends I had to take CAC (certified addiction counselor) classes. I’m so glad that I finished the last one today.  It’s also kinda sad. I met some nice people. One person in the classes I met during grad school. It was nice seeing her again. 

There was also this guy. I don’t know, there was something about him. He was nice. I’d like to be friends with him. Part of me was attracted to him as something more. Honestly, it’s been awahile since I’ve experienced any attraction. I’m pretty sure that it was because I felt comfortable around him. 

It reminded me of what I want. I want to feel loved. I want to have someone in my life who I feel comfortable around. I want to be loved and have support. A strong support system is what I want more than anything. I want to feel the comfort of people who care about me. I want to have someone who care about me like I’ve never known before. 

Most people around my age want that. So many of my friends are married. It sometimes makes me feel lonely when I see everyone coupled up. I went to a going away dinner for a couple in my small group on Tuesday. It was nice. Thing is, it was noticeble that there were three couples and one other single person. I didn’t feel alone, but I noticed that I was by myself. 

It was a comfort to be around everyone. It had been a while since I last saw them all as a group. It was a comfort. That’s what I want. It doesn’t have to be romantic. I want some sort of love. I want to feel like someone cares about me. That’s how I felt. I’m glad I was able make it. I’m glad to have support. 

So, love and comfort. It’s what I want more than anything. Comfort in the love I feel. That is my goal in life. I wish all you lovelies love and comfort in that love for yourself.  

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Trainings and Progress

I really need to get better at posting. 

Right now I’m in a class to become a certified addiction counselor. I had class last weekend, this weekend, and next weekend. That plus work Monday through Friday is tiring. This week I’m covering groups for my coworker since she’s in a training. So not looking forward to it.

I have over a month of porn-free living. Surprisingly, this has been the easiest bout of sobriety I’ve ever had. It’s kind of strange. Part of me is waiting for this huge uncontrollable craving to take place. Things are going too well. Maybe not “too well.” Maybe I’m just letting my anxiety control too much of my brain. 

In class we’re practicing motivational interviewing. We have to do “real play” instead of role play. The scenario I’m using is about wanting to meet people and build intimate relationships. I want to build a strong support system. I want to feel known. On this blog I’m open. I put myself out there, but in person it’s hard. It’s hard with people I know.

I just finished another real play. I really need to work on my confidence. It’s lacking. My self-esteem is kind of low. The question is how to improve that and decrease my anxiety. I’m getting better and can accept some compliments. Though it’s only really with work related compliments. I think it might be because I’m use to getting a compliment with a “but” attached to it. Oh the issues I have related to my family system…

Class is almost over. I’ll try to write more often. I’ll let you know if I make progress on those connections.

I’ll talk to you later, lovelies. 

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Life Update

I planned to write a several days ago. I saw a video and wanted to write about my conflicting views on it. The video was about something I’m passionate about, but I quickly forgot what the video was. Apparently it wasn’t that important. 

I’m going to be honest with you. Part of me wants to stop the relationship group I’m leading. I feel underprepared. The guys like the group, but thinking about it causes me some slight stress. I have no clue what we’re doing on Thursday when we talk about trust. 

Also, I’ve been isolating myself more. I can see it happening slowly. At first it was innocent. I honestly couldn’t make it. Then it became a choice. I need to fix it. I want to fix it.

I’m thinking about starting my own business. It wouldn’t be until the end of 2018. I should start praying about that. My prayer life has been subpar. I pray at prayer team meeting and occasionally at other times. But I lack regularity. 

Which leads me to Lent. I changed things for this last week. My motives from abstaining was lost. I felt like I was abstaining solely because I said that I was going to. And I failed to add in the things that I had planned to add. So I decided that if I want to watch videos or read stuff online I need to read my Bible first. 

The only things I’m doing are that and giving up eating out and meat. I still want to save the money so that I can give. I need to renew my faith. It’s there, but I can tell I’m becoming lukewarm. I’m also going to fast on Good Friday. The prayer team leader wanted us to fast half the day on Easter, but I was already set on Friday. So now the request in to fast at some point Easter weekend. 

I’ll be alone for Easter. It’s not the first time, but I’d love to spend time with people. Though I know if invited to spend Easter with people I would decline. I have some issues I need to work on. 

Well I will talk to you later. I’m trying to write a story for my other neglected blog.

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I just wanted to post really quickly on here. I’ve had mice in my apartment. They were popping out of the stove. Pest control came on Thursday. Hopefully, I don’t find anymore.

When I mentioned this to my apartment leasing office they said: “what do you want us to do?” I had already sent something to maintenance but hadn’t heard anything back. I wanted them to look for holes and to let them know because it meant that others might have them. I live on the 4th floor.

Fun stuff, right?

I’ll write a longer post later this week. Hopefully.

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Lent 2017

I have never really done Lent. My Catholic friends in high school always gave up chocolate or MySpace. I never really understood this. 

As I grew older I learned more and would half heartedly participate. But this year will be different. I have things I want to give up and add in to help with my spiritual life. Not only do I want to get rid of things in my life that take me away from God, but I also want to place things in my life that please God.

It’s so easy to use this as a time of diet or to renew your New Year’s resolution. I don’t want that to be what this time means to me. Yes, I’m giving up buying fast food, but that’s because I’d rather use my money in a more productive way. If I can’t tithe regularly, then I don’t need to be spending my money on fast food and unnecessary shopping. Almost all my shopping is food, books, and music. I know I need to cut back. I have lots of books I’ve yet to read.

There are also things that I’ve given up already that I want to be more diligent about. I’m giving up porn because even though I’ve already given it up, I’ve typed stuff into my search engine then close it before watching something. It’s progress. I just want to renew my commitment. Also giving up fanfiction. I gave it up before, but a couple of stories slipped through the cracks. There is nothing wrong with most fanfic, but it’s something that can easily consume too much of my time.

I plan to implement daily prayer and Bible reading. I tend to make excuses and not do them. I also plan to tithe on my tax refund. Normally I wouldn’t or if I did it was be no more than $20 regardless of what I got back. I’m trying to change. I like my church and believe that it is doing God’s work. I want to support those things, not only through money, but also with my time.

I think that Lent is the perfect time to explore what things separate you from God and what can bring you closer.

Last thing, I decided to fast and pray today since it’s the first day of Lent. The day was stressful, so a lack of food was bad, but I did remember to pray throughout the day. And honestly, the only food I wanted was junk food. Also, I just remembered I’m giving up meat for Lent. Can’t remember why… Oh well, it’s the perfect time to explore new things.

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I Suck at Blogging

I am in desperate need of a time management course because I suck at it which leads to me going longer than I want without posting. At least it has only been 20 days since the last post instead of 3 months. An improvement.

Aside from letting you know that I’m a horrible blogger, I wanted to let you know that I’m creating my own relationship group at group. It’s all mine to design. Those of you who follow my blog may know about how I want to work with intimacy disorders when I grow up, so this is exciting news. Though I’m not really excited. When I talk to people who are excited I get excited, but otherwise not much excitement.

Also, I’m going to give up stuff and add stuff into my life for Lent. I haven’t really done anything for it ever. I remember in high school my Catholic friends giving up chocolate and MySpace/Facebook. I kinda participated the last year or so, only half-assed it. But this year I want to whole heartedly participate. I want to take the time to get rid of things that are coming in-between my relationship with God and add in things.

I’ll post about that more either Tuesday or Wednesday since Lent starts on Wednesday. I need a story to post on blog number 2. I suck at posting on that blog as well. I am going to make some changes on my life. I’m looking forward to the future. I’m unsure about what is going to happen, but I have a good feeling about some of the things in store for me.

So, I was going to just post a video of myself, but I kept making excuses so nothing was recorded. It was just going to be a cover of a song… I think. I had no solid plans, but covers are easy. Um, my elevator has been broken for a week now. I’m trying to eat healthy. I like bok choy. I already knew that, but I thought I’d share. Also, butternut squash mixes in nicely with mac n cheese.

I should go eat. I’ve only had water and Reese’s today. I starting writing on blog number 3 after church and wanted to finish eating, then I started writing on this blog since I kinda forgot about food, but now I remember.

So, this is post. That makes me slightly less sucky at blogging than when I wrote the title however many minutes ago.

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To be Titled… Ramblings…

I am so horrible with this keeping up on the writing thing. But I’m trying to get back in sync. I’m going to try to write more while on the bus. That way I actually write. I wrote a story today for blog number two. It was the start of a story, but I promised to write a story weekly over there. Missed last week, which was supposed to be week one. I’m off to a swell start.

I try not to depend on technology too much, so I don’t really care about the different features too much. If I can call, text, and check my emails, I’m good. That’s typically what I do on my phone, aside from reading and watching youtube. But I figured out how to do a screenshot on my phone. When I read something about I didn’t care. But a couple of days ago, I was looking for a picture online. I was reading the book on my phone and failed to find what I wanted, so I took a screenshot. I had forgotten how to do it and had to look in my history to find the article.

So yup. I am not tech savvy. It’s more like, I don’t care. If I want to learn it, I will.The thing is, I feel like as a young person I should be more on top of the tech and social media stuff. I’m not and that’s okay, but sometimes I feel out of touch with society due to this. I’m not going to change this anytime soon, if ever.

On another note, someone I share an office with, though not my coworker, told me she was going to set me up with one of the specialists in the jail. Not too excited about that. He’s nice, but I’m not attracted to him. I am awkward around guys who like me. I don’t have much of a desire to date, but I would love to be in a relationship. Also, I want a cuddle buddy.

Also, there was no real point to this post other than to post. Maybe next post will have more of a purpose. Maybe.

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