Hey, lovelies. I hope y’all are having a good day.
Let’s get personal. We tend to do that regularly on here, but today feels slightly different. I’ve always identified as heterosexual. I’m attracted to men, my opposite gender, so there never felt a need to question that.
But over the last year or so, I’ve been questioning my sexuality. I’ve shared on here about my addiction to porn. It got me questioning if I was bisexual or pansexual. But then I remembered that it wasn’t about the sex. My porn addiction was about craving intimacy. I may have felt some sexual attraction, but I mostly felt not alone for a brief moment. Then came the icky feeling.
Looking back, I can’t really remember feeling sexual attraction towards anyone. I’ve always acted as if. I want to experience sex, but I don’t know. I thought I was just being a good Christian. No sexual temptation for me.
After going back and forth, thinking about it and forgetting about it, I have come to this conclusion. I am gray-sexual and demi-hetero romantic. In other words, I don’t really feel sexual attraction, but I can. Its just rare. I’m also only romantically attracted to someone if we have a close emotional bond and they’re male. I don’t feel romantically attracted to everyone who fits that criteria though. It’s honestly pretty rare that I feel it.
This explains so much about me. I don’t date. I don’t have a desire to date. Every time someone brings up the topic, I think about the fact that all I want in life is to surround myself with people who care about me and who I also care about. For years I’ve told people that I can’t date someone unless I know them and we’re friends. I thought it might just be my anxiety.
I’ve dated two guys in my life. They’re both great guys, but I knew it wouldn’t be long term. After getting in a relationship with one I realized I didn’t really like him like that. With the other, the moment it seemed like we weren’t connecting like we did before, I stopped caring as much about him romantically. I never really cared about the relationships ending. I wasn’t as invested as I wanted to be.
My crushes tend to be me thinking someone is awesome and wanting to be friends with them. I now know that’s a squish. My life makes so much more sense now. I’ve known for a little while that I’m on the ace spectrum, but admitting it has given me a new sense of confidence.
Yesterday I texted my friend, B, and told him. He’s the one person I can count on not to look at me strange no matter what I say. I love him to pieces.
I joined an ace dating site yesterday. I will probably be deleting my profile today or by the end of the week at the latest. It was more out of curiousity than anything. But it was nice to have that pressure allevated. But I still think dating sites are weird. I want to meet people in person. Call me old-fashion like that. I’ll even accept meeting through something like this (blogging).
I’ve never thought much about getting married. I’ve always assumed I would and I wanted it. I mainly just wanted someone to spend my life with and marriage seems like a method of achieving that. Honestly, ever sincee I was a little girl I’ve wanted to be a mother. Someone got mad at me once for saying that I thought more about being a mother than a wife. I’ve always wanted to adopt a kid, but wanted to wait for incase I got married. The hubby might want a say in this matter. But now I still plan to wait, but now it’s because I’m 28, living paycheck to paycheck, and barely making ends meet.
I still haven’t figured out who I plan to tell. My mom looks at my like a grew a second head when I say I’m depressed. I’m sure she won’t understand this either. But maybe after I tell them I’m a recovering porn addict. Or I can tell her both at the same time and confuse the heck out of her. I’ll probably tell my brother I’m close to before I tell anyone else in the family. My family doesn’t talk about stuff and this counts as stuff. Also, whenever I go back to Oklahoma I feel as though I’m a kid again. I have to be perfect and normal, whatever normal is. I can’t be me.
But here in Colorado, no one has any unrealistic expectations of me. No one is telling all the kids to be like me. I don’t think I would have embrassed this if I was still there in OK. I believe that I have written enough. I spent the bus ride to and from work along with a bit at home. I should be making dinner instead of standing in my kitchen typing this.
That’s all for now. I will be taking applications for cuddle buddies this winter. Being gray sexual does not lessen the fact that physical touch is one of my primary love languages. I still need the hugs!