Welcome to 2018!

Hello lovelies. This is my first post of 2018. I hope that all of you had a wonderful holiday season.

I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do in 2018. I want to make positive changes in my life. No resolutions for me. I honestly don’t like them. But I want to continue to grow.

My church is doing 21-days of prayer and fasting. It starts tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it. I need to spend more time with God. I put too much focus into things that are of little importance. This is a chance to get my priorities straight.

The prayer team is proposing the Daniel Fast to the church. I might not have it exactly, but I plan to use that as the basis of my fasting. Other members of the prayer team are focus on how they’re going to get their protein and what exactly is allowed on the Daniel fast.

But here’s the thing, that’s not the most important preparation. We don’t need to spend our prayer team meetings talking about that. You want to be healthy when you do this. You also need to prepare spiritually. Your intention matters more than what type of fasting.

I had a former client who would fast all the time. She would tell herself that it was for spiritual reasons, but knew deep down that it was to lose weight. God knows our heart.

I’m trying to get mine right.

I will talk to you lovelies later.

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Scripture Doodling – 2 Corinthians 5:7

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7
I made some minor mistakes, but I’m satisfied. The main question now is what verse to do next?

Have a merry Christmas, lovelies.

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Scripture Doodling – Matthew 7:7

I decided that I want to draw pictures as a representation of some Bible verses that I like or that stick out to me. The first verse I did is Matthew 7:7, “Ask and it will be given to you; Seek and you will find; Knock and the door will be open to you.” This verse was actually part of the sermon at church on Sunday, which is when I did this.

It’s not perfect and I can think of several things that I’d change if I was to do it now, like the E. Totally just hit me now that a lowercase e would of been better than trying to make a capital E look like an eye. Oh well.

One thing I did realize is that I haven’t written in cursive in years, aside from my signature. As you can tell it’s not the best. But that’s okay. I’m not striving for perfection. I want something to mean something to me.

I’m trying to reinvest in my relationship with God. Reading the Bible isn’t my strong suit, so by doing this I will be coming more comfortable with doing so.

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Hey y’all

I’ve been meaning to post, but of course it hasn’t happened. I have stuff to write, but haven’t written it. And since I didn’t ready this post prior to buying one hour of internet, I’m not going to write what I truly want to. I’m down to about 10-20min left.  But I wanted to say that I’m still here.

Been binge watching Netflix…kind of. Trying to figure so stuff out and failing at it. Got a new charger for my Surface RT. Now I just need to get it updated since it’s been over a year since it was last used. That part isn’t going as well as I’d like.

Struggling financially, but all my needs are being taken care of. Have a job I want to apply to. Just need to update my resume and write a cover letter. I’m so tired of my job. I’m starting to dread it. It’s bad.

Someone told me that I “just haven’t met the right guy” when we were talking about me being asexual. Aside from all you lovelies here online, I’ve only told 3 people. All currently are or have been in the field of counseling or social work. You’d think they’d know not to say that.

I’m going. I want to look up a thing or two before my internet access goes bye-bye for the day. I try not to pay for it, but sometimes you’re lazy and don’t want to leave the house.

Talk to you soon lovelies.

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Trying to Make it Work

I’m trying to make things work to the best of my ability. I told you that I got rid of my internet and cable. Well I also got ride of my Amazon Prime and I feel like there was something else, but I honestly don’t remeber. I got an atenna and have watched more tv since getting that than I did in the 6 months to 1 year that I most recently had cable. 

I’m in the library writing this and have some books I plan to check out. I want to look at the DVDs before leaving to look at them as well. I honestly don’t know why I was so anxious about going to the library. I guess it’s just because I am anxious. It’s not hard living without the convinces I’ve become accustom to. I just have to think about things before hand. For example, I’m writing this post on Saturday and will schedule it for Monday. 

I’m trying to be a responsible adult. I know that I’m lucky to have parents who are willing to help me out if I need it. The thing is, I don’t want to have to need them. So, they don’t know that I only have $2.91 in my bank account. And I don’t plan to tell them because I’ll get paid before I need to pay any bills. If an emergency comes up, that’s what my savings account is for. 

I finally have things moving for getting my salary increase that I was supposed to get back in July. Maybe this next pay check. Fingers crossed. I’m trying to make it work. 

The thing is, even without unnecessary spending, I don’t make my worth. I’m trying to change that. This new pay is a start. But only a start. For more, I need to go to new agency. But right now. I will learn new skills and improve old ones. 

Like I’ve been saying, I’m making things work. I’m done trying to make it work and just will. I’m 28 years old. I’m living on my own. I’m glad to have my parents there to catch me if I fall, but I want to stand on my own two feet. Not much else to say.   

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Disconnected: Cable and Internet Free

Hey lovelies. This post is going to be short. This week I disconnected my cable and internet. Right now I’m sitting in a starbucks writing this. This means that I get to write my post early instead of waiting till the last minute. It’s only been a few days, so I don’t know how this will impact me in the long run, but I’ll let you know.

My reasons for doing this are primarily financial. I can’t afford it. Another reason is that it forces me to get out of my apartment. Usually on Sunday night I’m sitting in my apartment. But not tonight. My goal is to have my post written early to be posted on Monday evening.

There is one more reason that I got rid of my internet. It’s not really a reason, but an added bonus. I’ve written about my relationship with porn. Not having internet will help with keeping it out of my life. Though I will admit that have looked at porn in a starbucks before. It was the summer before my senior year of college. I was on a summer project with Campus Crusade for Christ. So, yeah…

But I have no desire to do that. I have other things I want to focus on. Which reminds me. I think I told you that I gave a deputy my phone number. He finally texted me last week. I really need to figure out what his first name is because I like knowing the first names of my friends. I know I could ask him directly, but part of me doesn’t want to know.

I guess I’m going to go. I don’t have a desire to stay in starbucks much longer. I was just too lazy to travel to the library and this was in walking distance. I mean, I had to watch the series finale of Teen Wolf. Though honestly, I could of lived without it. I really just wanted to see Stiles and Derek enter. After that I didn’t really care. But it’s over. Which reminds me that I need to download some Netflix movies to watch offline. Okay, 30 more minutes her at most.

Talk to you next week.

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Hey, Asexy!

Hey, lovelies. I hope y’all are having a good day.

Let’s get personal. We tend to do that regularly on here, but today feels slightly different. I’ve always identified as heterosexual. I’m attracted to men, my opposite gender, so there never felt a need to question that.

But over the last year or so, I’ve been questioning my sexuality. I’ve shared on here about my addiction to porn. It got me questioning if I was bisexual or pansexual. But then I remembered that it wasn’t about the sex. My porn addiction was about craving intimacy. I may have felt some sexual attraction, but I mostly felt not alone for a brief moment. Then came the icky feeling.

Looking back, I can’t really remember feeling sexual attraction towards anyone. I’ve always acted as if. I want to experience sex, but I don’t know. I thought I was just being a good Christian. No sexual temptation for me. 

After going back and forth, thinking about it and forgetting about it, I have come to this conclusion. I am gray-sexual and demi-hetero romantic. In other words, I don’t really feel sexual attraction, but I can. Its just rare. I’m also only romantically attracted to someone if we have a close emotional bond and they’re male. I don’t feel romantically attracted to everyone who fits that criteria though. It’s honestly pretty rare that I feel it.

This explains so much about me. I don’t date. I don’t have a desire to date. Every time someone brings up the topic, I think about the fact that all I want in life is to surround myself with people who care about me and who I also care about. For years I’ve told people that I can’t date someone unless I know them and we’re friends. I thought it might just be my anxiety. 

I’ve dated two guys in my life. They’re both great guys, but I knew it wouldn’t be long term. After getting in a relationship with one I realized I didn’t really like him like that. With the other, the moment it seemed like we weren’t connecting like we did before, I stopped caring as much about him romantically. I never really cared about the relationships ending. I wasn’t as invested as I wanted to be. 

My crushes tend to be me thinking someone is awesome and wanting to be friends with them. I now know that’s a squish. My life makes so much more sense now. I’ve known for a little while that I’m on the ace spectrum, but admitting it has given me a new sense of confidence. 

Yesterday I texted my friend, B, and told him. He’s the one person I can count on not to look at me strange no matter what I say. I love him to pieces. 

I joined an ace dating site yesterday. I will probably be deleting my profile today or by the end of the week at the latest. It was more out of curiousity than anything. But it was nice to have that pressure allevated. But I still think dating sites are weird. I want to meet people in person. Call me old-fashion like that. I’ll even accept meeting through something like this (blogging). 

I’ve never thought much about getting married. I’ve always assumed I would and I wanted it. I mainly just wanted someone to spend my life with and marriage seems like a method of achieving that. Honestly, ever sincee I was a little girl I’ve wanted to be a mother. Someone got mad at me once for saying that I thought more about being a mother than a wife. I’ve always wanted to adopt a kid, but wanted to wait for incase I got married. The hubby might want a say in this matter. But now I still plan to wait, but now it’s because I’m 28, living paycheck to paycheck, and barely making ends meet.

I still haven’t figured out who I plan to tell. My mom looks at my like a grew a second head when I say I’m depressed. I’m sure she won’t understand this either. But maybe after I tell them I’m a recovering porn addict. Or I can tell her both at the same time and confuse the heck out of her. I’ll probably tell my brother I’m close to before I tell anyone else in the family. My family doesn’t talk about stuff and this counts as stuff. Also, whenever I go back to Oklahoma I feel as though I’m a kid again. I have to be perfect and normal, whatever normal is. I can’t be me.

But here in Colorado, no one has any unrealistic expectations of me. No one is telling all the kids to be like me. I don’t think I would have embrassed this if I was still there in OK. I believe that I have written enough. I spent the bus ride to and from work along with a bit at home. I should be making dinner instead of standing in my kitchen typing this. 

That’s all for now. I will be taking applications for cuddle buddies this winter. Being gray sexual does not lessen the fact that physical touch is one of my primary love languages. I still need the hugs!

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